Navigating the aftermath of an assault can be difficult, isolating, and traumatizing for a survivor. When a survivor shares their story with you, your response matters more than you may realize. Telling someone what happened is often one of the most difficult steps in the healing process, especially if they are experiencing feelings of fear, confusion, or self-blame.
Being supportive doesn’t mean having all the right answers, necessarily, but it does mean compassion, belief, and space to make their own choices. This blog is a guide to showing up with care, what to say, and what to avoid.
Believing A Survivor
One of the most impactful things you can say to a survivor is that you believe them and validate their experience. Many people who go through an assault avoid disclosure to someone due to fear of not being taken seriously, believed, or blamed. Because of this, your immediate response can be incredibly impactful. Even if you are shocked, angry, or heartbroken, lead with calm support.
What To Say
The nonprofit organization, RAINN, or the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, uses this helpful acronym for those looking to offer support:
“TALK”
T: Thank them for telling you
A: Ask how you can help
L: Listen without judgment
K: Keep supporting
Let Them Lead The Conversation
Sharing a traumatic assault can already be scary, and the last thing you want to do is overwhelm the survivor with questions. Focus on what they need emotionally. For example, try asking, “How can I support you right now?”
Sexual assault often involves a devastating loss of control and autonomy. Questions such as this give control back to the survivor. Never assume they want to report, seek medical attention, or confront the person responsible, and let them decide how they want to approach the situation.
Listen
Support doesn’t necessarily mean offering a solution right away, and listening without judgment might be all a survivor wants at that moment. Support does not always mean solving, and sometimes the most important thing you can offer is your presence. Let them know you’re there for them and focus on their needs rather than how you feel.
What Not To Say
Although you may mean well, it’s important to choose your words carefully so as not to unintentionally victim-blame. Avoid saying phrases like:
- “What were you doing there?”
- “What were you wearing?”
- “Were you drinking?”
- “Why didn’t you leave?”
- “Did you say no?”
Sexual assault is a far more complicated and nuanced conversation than these questions allow. Avoid reducing their experience to something they could have done to prevent it, because at the end of the day, it is not the victim’s fault.
Avoid turning the conversation toward your own feelings with statements like:
- “I can’t believe this.”
- “I’m so angry.”
- “This is devastating for me to hear.”
These feelings may be valid; however, centering the conversation on your reaction can unintentionally make the survivor feel responsible for comforting you.
It is also important to avoid doubt, skepticism, or minimizing their situation. For example, never ask these questions or make these comments:
- “Are you sure?”
- “That doesn’t sound like them.”
- “At least it wasn’t worse.”
- “Maybe it was a misunderstanding.”
- “You need to move on.”
Keep Supporting
Offering support, sharing resources, and raising awareness about sexual assault is crucial throughout the entire year, not just in April. Survivors should know that compassion, advocacy, and access to help are not limited to a single month on the calendar. By continuing these conversations year-round, we help break the silence, challenge stigma, and create safer, more informed communities where survivors feel seen, believed, and supported every day.
